Owning my Story

photo by Felicia Schutte

What would you write if you weren’t afraid?

As I stumbled upon this question on my social media feed, it made me wonder; have I ever been afraid? Of writing that is. You see, writing has always brought me peace. It is a moment where I can scribble all my thoughts on a canvas, then sit and carefully analyze each word, making sure that my message is made extremely clear.

Writing makes me feel free. Free from the anxiety that haunts me. Something deep within, is making my body ill. Why? I ask myself. Why does my entire body get tingly, as my heart gets heavy and my breath appears to fail me? “I’m at a great place in my life”: I keep reminding myself. So why am I suddenly feeling dizzy? This doesn’t make any sense. Am I going crazy?

I’ve always struggled with anxiety; diagnosed with PCOS at 14 years old, I was told that a magic pill would give me more control. Of course the over thinker would soon realize that birth control meant just that! It only “controlled” the symptoms, but never changed the fact. “If I don’t bleed, how will I ever conceive?”

Anxiety is selfish and tremendously cruel. Despite the fact that my dreams came true, it obsessively proceeds to make me feel blue. Why won’t you leave me alone? All the things I’ve been through, they’re so over now. When will I achieve a breakthrough?

I often struggle to own this story.

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