1in10

From the moment we shared our first kiss I was in total bliss. Sounds cheesy I know, too good to be true such a rush of affection I didn’t know what to do. But you’re right to be skeptical for it wasn’t all magical because being with someone like me is not practical.

Diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 14, my doctor broke the news that left quite a bruise. At first, I wondered “What now?” as he pondered the best way to explain what would obviously cause me pain. Deep down inside I already had a clue that if I were to become a mother, I would have to face a battle like no other.

 

Years have passed with no signs of ovulation. I feel so sad but he needs to know about this complication. How will I tell him that I might not be able to, that by all means, I understand that this situation is hard to commit to?

The thought of saying these words out loud brought so much anxiety because I don’t fit the norm of our society. First comes love then comes marriage, I’m not sure we’ll ever need a baby carriage.

I remember our first conversation regarding children; He didn’t want any, because life with kids would be too heavy. On the bright side it totally released some tension, but still I was too afraid to mention the secret that might cost me his affection.

 

A couple of weeks later out of the blue, suddenly he wants not one but two. “No woman has ever made me want a child before.” Unfortunately, I’m going to have to disappoint the man that I adore.

As I told him the reality of my condition, he took my hand then proceeded to mention a collection of words that gave me so much power I suddenly felt like a blooming flower. “Forever and ever no matter what, I will never let you go. Just remember that!”

Despite his support my feminist side always tried to make me rationalize with the thought that my worth as a woman does not rely on my ability to create life. Still, I aspired to do whatever it required to reach that milestone most women desire.

20 years later and yet they know so little, making living with this bitch quite bitter. PCOS continues to be treated as “the disease that prevents pregnancies” because once they’ve helped you get through your infertility, “back on the pill” will be a probability.

While this disorder remains a mystery it continues to fuel my anxiety. Not only does this cause infertility but it also messes with your ability to live life optimally. Weight gain, acne and depression, hair loss or growth, why not have both? Insulin resistance, high testosterone, I think I’ve made my point; the list goes on and on.

As I mentioned once before: “Being with someone like me is not practical” and although I am extremely grateful for the fact that my life still turned out to be magical. Still, I remain 1 out of 10 suffering daily with no end.

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